ebenezer

November 6, 2008 at 12:20 am (Uncategorized)

this is a story i wrote for RA class…..

I can’t sleep.  It’s 4:45AM, and my mind won’t leave me alone.  School doesn’t start for another three hours.  What am I going to do for another three hours?  I can’t stand being in bed anymore.  Outside my window, the morning light begins to seep into the darkness of the night, promising peace to my torment.  I grab my Bible, lace up my tennis shoes and am out the door in two minutes. 

            All traces of sleepiness vanish as the crisp morning air makes me suck in my breath.  I walk fast to stop my shivering, my steps sure and solid toward the place I’ve gone so many times.  It’s still dark, and I can just barely squint and see the bunny rabbits making their early morning social rounds.   I smile at their bouncy fluffiness, wondering what about bunnies makes me so happy.  Thinking about bunnies takes me back to my Sunday school teacher Mrs. Grimm, donuts, and learning that Jesus takes care of bunnies and birds so he’ll take care of me.  I yearn for the simplicity of my childhood faith instead of the churning stress that now seems to permanently reside within me.

            I’m now past the gate, the road turning downhill as gravel crunches under my feet. Pain from the past, worries about my future, and fear about the present follow me, skip ahead, and circle me like the birds I hear greeting the morning above me. What should I do about Molly?  I don’t know how to handle the burdens she’s placing on me.  And that competition….I know I’m going to mess up.  And…..no, I can’t think about all this until I get there.  Then I’ll somehow be able to make sense of everything.  I hurry faster. 

            I see it, I see my place, where I have poured out my heart many times to God.  The ugly but comforting pond greets me.  Departing from the path, I step out onto the boardwalk leading me to my refuge.  The trees shield me from the danger of the outside world.  The bench is an anchor, my meeting place with God in times when the pain has no words and my prayers are inexpressible groans of the Spirit.  I heave a sigh of relief as I sink into the smooth woodwork, the silence ringing in my ears.  “God, I’m here again,” I breathe.  I am desperate for His presence.  I know my whirling storm of emotions can only be calmed by his voice speaking into my life.  Somehow it is easier to hear the Lord’s still, quiet whisper among the soft sound of water slipping over rocks as the pinks, purples, and oranges of dawn spread over the canvas of sky.  “Be still, and know that I am God.”  Yes Lord, my soul will remain in you.  I work to push all of the worries and stress out of my mind.  I need reassurance that joy comes in the morning, that the dark night of the soul does not endure.  Alternating waves of panic and peace engulf me as I sit.  The sun breaks through the horizon, the bright rays of hope stinging my eyes with beauty and wonder.  The worries of the night melt away as the sun grows more confident, gathering strength for the day and imparting it to me.

            Rising from the bench, I stroll along the deck of the pond watching the two ducks dance around each other, reminding me that life is not really all that complicated.  I long for simplicity.  I envy the ducks’ blissful ignorance of emotional pain.  Then God’s voice, seemingly coming from the ducks themselves, gently reminds me that the complexity of human existence is such a gift.  I have the capacity to not only experience great pain but also unspeakable joy.  My heart overflows with gratitude at the Lord’s faithfulness.  I feel at rest in God’s arms in this place.  I hear his gentleness in the hushed sounds of creation around me.  I see his love in the splendor of the sunrise.  His love speaks to me in the simple pleasures of ducks and bunnies.  My mind knows his grandeur as I gaze awestruck at the glorious mountains in the distance.  I again lower myself onto the bench, inhaling the essence of this place, forever engraving it in my mind as my Ebenezer, my sign of God’s presence in my life.  He has led me this far, and I trust that he will continue to guide me.  My soul is renewed, at least for the moment.  I start to feel anxious at the realization that this peace will not last forever, that new problems will arise.  “But those problems will also fade.  Trust me,” again calls the voice of the One who created the sunrise and yet cares for the human heart.  I feel His urge to face the day, to confront my anxieties with the peace he has poured into my soul just as I watched the light pour into the sky.  My courage lifts with my feet as I begin the walk back home.